It
seems strange now, to remember just how serious I was about the subject of
dating, when in was in high school. In our Bible classes, we discussed issues
like marriage, divorce, and the general culture we were growing up in. I
remember learning a statistic about how much more likely children of divorce
were to experience divorce themselves. Learning that really shook me up!
Experiencing divorce in adolescence was horrible—and I had no desire to experience
it as an adult. Beyond that, I definitely did NOT want to put my kids through
that pain.
There
was one caveat to those ugly statistics on divorce: children of divorce were less likely to experience divorce in
their own marriages if they took the
time to educate themselves about healthy relationships and communication. They
also needed to make smart decisions about what they wanted/needed in a mate and
then enter dating situations with those issues in mind. It all sounds very clinical
as I write about it now, but this approach appealed to my high-achieving
mindset. I signed up for an elective class, titled “Marriage & the Family”,
and drank in all the information I could from the course materials and other
things that I was reading. I totally bought into the idea that I could control
my heart and find the perfect soul-mate.
If only it were that
easy! The combination of naiveté, pride, and hormones made for some turbulent dating
experiences. There was a song that was popular just a few years before this,
titled The Things We Do For Love. It could have just as easily been
the title of my dating years; that was the song my soul was singing. I wanted
to be smart, but I craved being loved. The craving to be loved resulted in some
poor choices. Afterwards, when I considered those decisions, I was flooded with
guilt. How was I ever going to find the perfect Christian husband when I
couldn’t make choices that showed I honored and respected myself? My approach
to intimacy left me feeling ashamed and worthless. And feeling worthless drove
my desire to be loved. And my desire to be loved drove my choices. . .
Sometime during my
first year of college, my current very-serious-relationship ended. He broke up
with me and I was actually relieved. I had thought we were a forever kind of
couple—probably most of our friends from high school did. But I realized that I
was tired of doing everything wrong and expecting a happy ending. I remember
thinking that I was done with dating—it was time to direct my attention to something
where I knew my decisions would be good enough. It was time to focus on school, get my act
together, and grow up. And so, I did.
No dating. Only
school. Focused. Driven.
I think that,
subconsciously, I believed that if I let up on the pressure to achieve in
school, I would have to face the fact that I was a failure at relationships. I
was a child of divorce, destined to make the same mistakes myself, unworthy of
a truly decent man. God must have smiled as He saw me give up on my plans for
the perfect relationship. He knew I had to—in order to make room for His.
In July of 1983, I
completed LPN school—at the top of my class. I was so happy that I could get one thing right! And I had a job already; I was returning to
UCA as the School Nurse and Assistant Girl’s Dean. I was beginning to believe I
could make good choices and I could
be good
enough, at least where school and work were concerned.
I had about one month
to kill until the school year began, and I decided to use that month to travel
to Ohio and visit my daddy. I deserved the break—I had kept my promise to
myself. I had focused on school. I hadn’t been on a date in 20 months. And I
had a plan for my future.
Little did I know
that God was about to put His plan into action and teach me about unconditional
love. He wanted to show me that there was someone who would love me—and I
didn’t have to do anything but truly love him in return.
But, that’s another
story. . .
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